he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
