Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
