paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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