i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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