after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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