are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
