Someone shit on the floor
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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