Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize