She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
