she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
