seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
