this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize