I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
