I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
