Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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