I think I won the penis lottery.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
