At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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