Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize