I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
