I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize