I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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