I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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