I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
