My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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