Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
