He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
