I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
