It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize