Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
