sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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