he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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