Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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