i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
