Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
