I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
don't judge my taste in strippers
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
