Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she peed on how many people?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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