first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
