she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
