Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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