can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize