So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
