from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
