I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
