I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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