Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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