Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
