I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize