remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
