My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
