she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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