FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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