It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My vagina is officially offended.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize