My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
