You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
