fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Buhtt sex?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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