Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
