im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
