That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
