Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
