Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
