I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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