Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
