I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
